in the end……
It’s funny I always thought that once I got pregnant that I would be constantly writing about it but it hasn’t happened like that. At first I was terrified to jinx it and then as time went on I just didn’t feel the need. It seems I only write when I want to moan:) anyway to pick up where I left off I returned from Bath still a bit down & depressed but had the wedding to look forward to so went hell for leather on the diet. I knew something was up when I wasn’t losing a thing & sticking to it religiously even though I had no real symptoms to make me think I was pregnant. At this stage I just given up on the thought, AF was due on the Monday & it’s religiously on time, normally a couple of days early. I hadn’t even said anything to himself but had a test leftover so decided to do it just for the heck of it on the Mon morning I was due really expecting nothing. I got a bit of a shock when it came up Positive 2-3 Weeeks! Hoo Haa the hormone must have been pretty strong to give that result as on all the others it was always 1-2 weeks on testing first. It’s really hard to describe how I felt, I think the word is detached, there was no excitement or butterflies, a feeling of dread if anything. I rang himself and his reaction was more or less the same “Oh that’s great, we’ll just have to wait & see I suppose” Not your typical reaction after waiting for nearly 2 years and nearly having to take out a mortgage to pay for ovulation sticks and pregnancy tests…..
After the Chemical Pregnancy in June I decided to give it at least the week before calling Dr B, it was the longest week of my life and of course my symptom spotting didn’t help as I had very little. I did feel very relaxed though, it was just so nice not to be stressing & thinking constantly about “not” gettting pregnant because I actually was, it was all a bit surreal, there was still no excitement though, it was banned. I went to Dr B the following Weds, again nobody got too excited, I got my bloods done and an appointment was made for an early scan the following Weds as I was off the wedding on the Saturday. Bloods came back on Thurs really well with a perfect HCG for my dates so I got them done again 48 hours later just to give me piece of mind, hmmmm that didn’t work out as expected. The HCG was 4000 & something on the Weds so it needed to double by the Fri, DR B rang me the Fri evening with a preliminary result as they wouldn’t have the full result until Mon but she didn’t want to leave me wondering for the weekend, well she bloody well should have because the result came back as 5000 +. Nobody knew what the + was but we assumed between us it wasn’t over the 5, well feck it anyway it was happening again.
I spent the whole day in bed on Sat waiting for the inevitable, I shed a few tears but this was the 4th time so I was becoming a bit of a pro at it at this stage. I googled HCG levels for hours looking for any hope but I knew there was none so I accepted my fate, I just wasn’t going to have a second child, there was something wrong with me, I was broken and had to be fixed. The thing is I did another test and got a 3-4 weeks result so the hormone was still pretty high and this was only a week later so it was rising well, oh the confusion. I got through the weekend waiting for the scan on Weds to confirm my fate when I got a phonecall on Tues at 4pm from Dr B. The actual results had come back & they had doubled exactly, when they said 5000 + they had actually meant 8000, helloooooo?? the feckers I could have killed them. Again no excitement(still banned) but a huge sense of relief that another hurdle had passed. Hey I had been through this the last time, got the heartbeat & everything and then it just all finished at 10 weeks and I was still only 6 weeks. I had the scan on Weds but all she could see was a sac but no pole, Ah come on give a twice miscarrying lady a break, I was going to the wedding on Sat for a week & needed to know one way or another because if there was a chance I would miscarry there was no way I was getting on a plane. She scheduled me in for another scan on the Fri and I could make my mind up then, my poor sis, nobody knew what was going on and I knew she would have been heartbroken if I didn’t go as I was bridesmaid. It’s amazing the difference 2 days can make, I had convinced myself after much googling again that it was a blighted ovum seen as it was an empty sack but lo & behold there was the foetal pole and she was convinced she could make out a tiny embryo but wasn’t 100% sure. It was enough for me, my dates were measuring perfectly & at least we had something so the wedding was back on but there was still no excitement(still banned) Dr B had put me on progesterone & baby asprin from 5 weeks so I stocked up on these and off I went to Portugal…
The wedding was fantastic and I ended up having to tell my parents and my sisters straight away as they would have guessed by the absence of vino in my glass, I didn’t have any sickness but my appetite had gone to pot and I was completely gone off fish and meat which is a bit of a nuisance when you’re in a town surrounded by fish. They were all so thrilled but weren’t allowed get excited, yes even they were banned. I had a bit of an issue hiding my belly for the week from everyone else as the progesterone causes serious bloating and I looked pregnant already and I really didn’t want anyone to know. Luckily the dresses were loose fitting so that wasn’t an issue and we had a fabulous time as much as one can have with no drink & a permanent worry of miscarrying at any moment….
I took really good care of myself in the first few weeks cutting back completely at work and resting, I was going to give this one my best shot. I had my first scan at 11 weeks with my obs and boy was he glad to see me. The receptionist even told me he gave a little woop woop when he saw my name on the list which he never does supposedly but he was probably just as worried that something had gone wrong since the birth of herself & probably had a little sigh of relief. Everybody was a little surprised I had gone back to him after the last time but it really was a case of “better the devil you know” he has been through the whole lot with me including the 2 D&C’s last year so has a personal connection to it and I would hope would take more of an interest in me than somebody new and so far he has. He was genuinely delighted for us and said himself he had expected to have seen us a bit sooner and was a little worried. He was a little worried??? Hey boyfriend try being the 2 time miscarrying google obsessive for the previous year. The scan went great and I was told to finish my progesterone the following week as I would be 12 weeks then…..
I reached the 12 week milestone, I was over the worst part but when you google you realise there are many more, 15 weeks, 20 weeks, 24 weeks so excitement was still banned it was still a case of survival……
to be contin….
but this is what I look like today:)
L x
mamma bella 