catch up…..

I’m still here!

I probably should go back a bit seen as I haven’t posted since March but there really was nothing to write about as I just plodded along going through the same motions every month….

– getting smiley face on ovulation stick

– dtd around that time as much as pos(himself was delighted)

– going through the 2 week wait with a million pregnancy symptoms every month(think it’s a progesterone thing) but knowing I wasn’t…

– AF arriving early everytime to put me out of my misery…

– spending the week of AF depressed and worried as they were so light and stressing that implantation couldn’t happen as a result. Dr B had decided it was time for me to go back on the pill for 3 months to see if we could improve the lining so I was all ready to rock and roll…

And then in June AF hadn’t arrived the day it was due and off I went to the chemist, I knew before I even did the test that it was going to be positive. I still couldn’t believe it, the relief of seeing “pregnant 1-2 weeks” after exactly a year of trying was imense but a bit sureal. Himself was working in the shop so I went straight down and told him in the jeep, this tends to be where I always tell him, not the most romantic of places but hey that’s the joys of being self-employed. I popped over to Dr B and told her, there was hugs and tears all round and I was booked in to see her the following week but I didn’t even make it to then. I took the test on Fri and woke up Thurs morning to blood, I did a test straight away and “not preganant” came up. I was so confused but a bit relieved too as it meant I had experienced a chemical pregnancy and wouldn’t need another D&C. AF came on better than it had been all year so I felt positive again, my body had tried to get pregnant, I had seen the words, had a great AF & after lots of googling chances were I’d be pregnant on the next cycle…

I went hell for leather that month feeling upbeat and positive, this is going to be my month, it’s going to happen and of course it didn’t. When AF arrived I was beaten, I hit a brick wall, I’ve actually never felt so down. Friends came home who were expecting their baby in Sept and on the outside I was all smiles but I was breaking inside. I couldn’t take this anymore, I needed some control over the situation, I met with Dr B and she suggested I give it until Christmas, I nodded away in agreement but in my head I was giving it until Sept after my sister’s wedding in Portugal. There was something wrong with me and I had to find out what, she agreed maybe there was a problem with the lining of the womb and this was why implantation wasn’t happening,  we decided I shouldn’t bother going back on the pill seen as I had a chemical pregnancy which showed that something was happening in there and we give it another couple of months.

I was so down that week that we decided to take a few days off & head to Bath which is such a beautiful city with our pregnant friends who were home, I was actually fine once I was away and actually enjoyed the excitment of first time parents-to-be talking about the baby kicking & their plans for the future. The few days away did me the world of good and I came home feeling a lot more positive and energised.

Bring on September and taking control back….

to be continued….

L x

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