I’m still here…
I’m still a mom of one…
I’m still not pregnant….
I want 1 now more than ever….
I wasn’t going to come back to this blog until I could shout “Yahoo I’m pregnant”, well that hasn’t happened so here I am. I’m losing patience, I was actually ok after the 2 miscarriages as I knew I could get pregnant, everything happens for a reason, maybe the 3rd time I would be lucky bla bla bla, well that novelty has worn off and my whole existence at the moment centres around being pregnant, I’m actually aching for it at this stage, it’s the first thing I think about when I wake up, it’s all I think about throughout the day, I’m constantly watching other families, counting how many children they have, if they have only 1 over age 3/4 wondering are they in the same situation as me & others with fertility issues, I read fertility forums every night so it’s the last thing I think about before I sleep, yep I have become obsessed…..
I think the driving force is the princess, she is also obsessed, I don’t know if it’s radiating from me or what but it’s all she talks about! She asks me everyday have “they built her sister yet? why is it taking so long, is it in my belly yet”, she even proclaimed in a very excited voice last week…
“the baby is in your belly mammy, look there’s it’s two feet where your boobs are….”
WTF??? My heart broke for her yesterday when I picked her up from creche and her little sad face telling me about all her friends being picked up by their mammies and baby sisters, she doesn’t give a damn about brothers by the way, they don’t actually exist. She was genuinely sad that she has none, it has got to the stage where she has 5 baby dolls, 4 are her sisters and 1 brother who actually rarely leaves the cot god love him, the 4 sisters go everywhere, they have breakfast with her in the morning, they watch cartoons with her, she has doll bunk beds beside her bed where she tucks them in every night, we talk to them(I’m dragged in reluctantly doing baby voices) there really is a void in our family that needs to be filled….
It’s funny because initally I thought I would be ok if I only ended up with one, at least I had been blessed with one child etc but I never allowed for her growing up and needing a sibling. It’s only in the last few months this has started and it just feels like our family is missing something and won’t be complete until we get it. I hate the fact that my life has been put on hold since Jan 2010 & I know it’s only over a year and at least I got pregnant twice(I tell myself all of this) but I actually can’t get on with life until I complete my family. I have loads going on with the business and we’ve had an absolutely fantastic year and have so many exciting things coming up this year too but I just can’t get excited! All I want is a frickin BABY!!!!
The problem is it’s not going to happen for another while though because after I did my bloods with my fabulous German Dr, I found out I have Hashimoto Thyroiditis. I won’t bore you with the details but it’s basically a thyroid disease which probably caused the miscarriages and affected my quality of life since I had the princess but never realised I had it. I’m on 2 different meds now to get it under control as my antibodies were very high and my TSH was 5.2, the good news is on my last visit the antibodies had halved and the TSH was 3.5. I’ve since read that the ideal TSH to get pregnant without m/c or complications is between 1 and 2 and they advise not to get pregnant until you are within these levels – bah frickin humbug, doesn’t mean I’ve stopped trying though. I have an appointment with my Dr in April so I’m hoping my levels will be down by then, they’d want to be with all the meds & vitamins I’m taking and I have a “swallowing tablets problem”! YES I know there is nothing to it and YES I know you just put it on your tongue and drink water and it slides down, well it doesn’t with me because my crazy mind makes it stay on my tongue and lets me drink a pint of water and the little white bugger is still there. So I bought myself a pill cutter in the chemist, yes she giggled too, anyone who knows me tends to, I’m an all-getter, nothing stops me, ambitious, would climb Mt Everest if I had to type of person so being afraid of a little white tablet doesn’t quite fit but hey I love needles, spiders & rats so we all have our little phobias so stop judging!*insert smiley face here* So each tablet has to be cut into 4 so it’s like I’m taking 20 tablets a day, it’s a bit of an ordeal but it better be worth it! But whatever about the tablets I’m also taking Agnus Cactus – GOOD GOD, ITS DISGUSTING!! My old AF hasn’t been right since the 2 D&C’s and is way too light, at this stage I’ve diagnosed myself with Ashermans Syndrome, Pre-Menopause, Hormonal Imbalance, you name it I think I have it – DAMN YOU GOOGLE! Everynight himself asks me “so what do you have today??”
So this is where I am, an obsessing maybe pre-menopausal, ovulation stick buying, bump envying, pill breaking, guilt ridden, symptom spotting wannabe second time mom….
I’ll get there if it kills me or I choke to death on a pill:)