the need to know….

The following few days went by in a haze of congratulations and madness after the award! We had a photographer in the Friday taking pics for a big article a local paper were doing on us the following week and all I could worry about was trying to hide my protruding belly in the photos. Niggling away in the back of my head was the lack of tiredness and symptoms but I had no bleeding or anything and I was too busy lapping up the praise to really think about it. The shop was too busy to even worry so I just got on with it until Weds evening when it all changed..

I went to pick up the princess from her grandmother’s and went to the toilet and there it was, it was so minute but it was still there, the tiniest spot of pink. Christ my heart sank but I had a little chat with myself and informed myself it was probably nothing and put on a brave face and headed home. I must have went to the bathroom a million times that evening to check but there was nothing else so maybe all was ok but I knew it wasn’t, I knew it was over. The next morning when I got up it was there again, a little heavier but still very little but I had to get on with it, there was no chance I would get to the gp or hospital as the article was in the paper and we had our busiest lunch ever, there was no time to dwell on it. It was still on my mind all day and I kept thinking how ironic it was, everyone was congratulating us on our award and saying how fantastic we must feel and I was losing my baby. I knew I wasn’t going to make it to the hospital on Friday either so I had to take matters into my own hands. I should add the spotting was still very light at this stage BUT I knew, I rang my sister a little teary and told her I had a bad feeling, she didn’t even try to convince me other wise as we’re both very intuitive which is a curse a lot of the time and we normally end up being right so she provided a comforting ear.

There is a specialist in gynaecology behind the shop, she is also a customer so I went straight over to see if she could fit me in as I knew she had an ultrasound, I got a bit upset at the desk as she was very busy but I really needed to find out so the receptionist said she would do her best and ring me in an hour which she did and I went straight down. She decided to do an internal scan as she would see better and there it was, I could tell straight away it was all wrong as I could see it hadn’t grown since the last scan and there was silence in the room as she tried to pick up a heartbeat.

 She had an assistant nurse with her, and each had a hand on my both arms so I knew it was coming, it had stopped growing at 8w4d. They were so sympathetic and nice, I couldn’t wait to get out of there, the nicer someone is to me the worse I get, it makes me a blubbering mess so the blubbering started. I should probably point out at this stage I’m a really “sad crier”, I’m a really strong person but when I cry I look really sad(I’ve been told) so I make other people cry or they feel so sorry for me so of course they were feeling sooo sorry for me which was making me cry more, they moved me out to take my bloods and they both still had a hand on each of my arms so I was trapped and this made me cry more. I was actually feeling fine but they were giving me so much sympathy, I couldn’t get out. They wanted to get Bru because they thought I was too upset to walk across the road but I kept telling them I was fine but they kept saying you need Bruno and time to talk and to respect myself. I wanted to tell her I give myself all the respect I need and not to worry, the song “respect yourself” popped into my head, the strangest things always do in these situations. I had to get out of there because I  knew once I escaped I’d be fine…

They eventually let me go and I met Bru outside, we had a big hug and a chat in the jeep as you do when he has to go back in and cook for Limerick. I headed home and rang the necessary people, had a good old cry and went to collect the princess feeling a bit relieved in one way as at least I knew now, the relief was short-lived though when I spent the night googling about natural miscarriage and what to expect. I was terrified as I was far enough along and knew I wasn’t going to get to the hospital until Monday so although I wanted to go natural I was a bit too afraid of the potential pain and I really didn’t want to see anything, I know some people like to see” their baby” but that’s not for me! I know this might sound cold but I don’t consider it a baby at that early stage, after 2 m/c I prefer to think of it as a “potential baby” that might or might not happen and I don’t think of them as individual babies either, I prefer to think it’s the same baby trying to get here but it’s just taking a few attempts and it will get here eventually…

I had to work on Friday which was pretty tough as I had read while googling of course that some women have a m/c there and then in the supermarket etc so that was not an option in the shop while everyone was having their lunch! Once again I spent the day thanking people for their congratulations and talking about the award and going to the toilet every 10 mins to see if anything had progressed. The weather was beautiful that weekend which made things easier so I just relaxed out the back with the princess worrying about whether I was going to have a natural miscarriage or not.

 Monday couldn’t come fast enough….

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