2nd time unlucky…

So, here I am again! Before you have a miscarriage you think it will never happen to you and then when you do although you are nervous of having another you still think it won’t happen again. Now I realise it could happen 20 times and there is very little I can do, it is out of my control. The one good thing to come out of all of this is that I have no problem getting pregnant, it happened straight away after my first cycle following the d&c which was probably a little too fast considering I had been through a lot with the fear of ectopic etc on the last one so my body probably wasn’t ready but I was willing to take the risk but unfortunately it didn’t pay off….

I found out straight away after testing 3 times coming up to the arrival of my AF, I kept saying I wasn’t going to test until my due date but I had a few tests lying around so I kept giving into temptation and got 3 BFN(big fat negatives), on the day my AF was due I got the BFP(big fat positive). Bru was actually at the Munster match but I couldn’t wait for him to come home so I told him over the phone, he enjoyed his few pints a little more. The worst thing about miscarriage is that it robs you of the innocence of pregnancy, on the princess I breezed through the whole thing without a care in the world, whereas this time from the moment I knew, the worry began. It started off with the fear of ectopic again and I was a nervous wreck with every single pain and twinge I got, I got symptoms straight away but not enough for my liking, they just weren’t as strong as my pregnancy on the princess….

My GP managed to arrange an early scan for me with my OBS at the maternity at 8 weeks just to put my mind at rest, I was so nervous going that day and had a bad feeling and said a little prayer it wasn’t ectopic even though I had no signs but I’m scarred for life after my experience in Feb. Christ I hate early scans, this full bladder thing kills me, I love the way they say drink a litre of water an hour before, I’d have emptied and drank about 10 litres in an hour if I did that so I just drink it when I get there as you usually have to wait an hour anyway and there ain’t no way in hell my bladder is keeping a litre of water in there for that long. I actually thought I was going to burst, I was pacing the scan room, the hall outside, I couldn’t do it, I had to go a little just to take the edge off, this is the hardest thing I have ever done!  I gave in and begged the receptionist, I had lost, the litre of water had beat me, I couldn’t hold it anymore. My OBS arrived just as I was declaring my failure, praise be the lord, in we go he puts the scanner on my belly putting unreal pressure on me bladder, Oh Christ I did everything in my power to hold on and then he declares we need to do an internal scan, ah Jesus, all that for nothing! I have never ran to the toilet so fast, the relief, I shall remember it for life.

The internal scan reveals a very healthy pregnancy sack with the tiniest little blob I have ever seen and he thinks he spots the tiniest of heartbeats but isn’t sure BUT the scan dates me 2 and a half weeks earlier than my date. My heart sinks, there is air of disappointment in the room on both our parts, he genuinely wants it to happen for me this time, he thinks maybe I ovulated late but we won’t be able to tell anything until the next scan 2 weeks later, he might aswell have said 2 years because it was going to be the longest 2 weeks of my life. He gives me my little picture and I head off to the toilet again and head home for my 2 week wait…

I kind of accepted that it probably wasn’t going to happen this time again and was constantly worried about my symptoms, something just didn’t feel right! I had lots of them, exhausted by 4pm everyday, big sore veiny “pamela anderson mammaries” but not as sore as the last time, increased appetite, strange cravings(had to go McD’s drive through for a cheeseburger one Friday evening), eating lots of cereal, that horrible metallic taste in your mouth, lots of stretching pains, a hint of ciatica which I had a lot of on the princess! So, even though I had all of these I still couldn’t shake the bad feeling and they weren’t as intense as my last pregnancy but then I had read that every pregnancy was different etc but I think looking back now I knew.

My 2nd scan date arrived and I went in feeling very pessimistic and again went through hell with the full bladder thing, I was pacing the hall when the midwife came out to call me, she put the scanner on me and declares”oh my you do have a full bladder”, ah I know love, hurry up so I can empty it. I didn’t even care what she was going to tell me, all I could think of was the toilet until she said “now there is a lovely strong heartbeat”!! I was shocked I really didn’t expect it, I was all prepared for the worst, I shed a little tear and she was so lovely, explaining that everything looked perfect and really healthy and the heartbeat was great, that sometimes they can be a bit slow but this little “cannellini bean” was a strong one. What a relief but for some reason I still didn’t get too excited, not intentionally but I just didn’t feel it! I was measuring exactly 2 weeks later so I was 7.5 weeks instead of 10 which just put the doubt in my mind but if I had ovulated late, that worked out right but the journey to 12 weeks just seemed to be getting longer and longer! I was 7.5 weeks but had gotten the BFP 6 weeks before so it felt like I knew forever but wasn’t getting any closer to the 12 week milestone and I really felt I wasn’t going to get there!

how right I was…..

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2 thoughts on “2nd time unlucky…

  1. I’m so sorry to hear your news. You are right to focus on the positives – like the ability to get pregnant easily. I had one missed miscarriage and still remember the two scans with sadness – seeing a blob on the screen instead of something resembling a human with a heartbeat was the toughest part. Keep trying (when you’re ready) and you never know. In the meantime, keeping spoiling princess. oh, and congrats on receiving your foodie awards – what a great achievement.

    • thanks Marianne! hopefully it will be 3rd time lucky, I just have to stay positive as there is no alternative! I’m kept busy with the business and the princess to dwell too much on it so hopefully I’ll be back with good news as some stage xx

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