in the end……

It’s funny I always thought that once I got pregnant that I would be constantly writing about it but it hasn’t happened like that. At first I was terrified to jinx it and then as time went on I just didn’t feel the need. It seems I only write when I want to moan:) anyway to pick up where I left off I returned from Bath still a bit down & depressed but had the wedding to look forward to so went hell for leather on the diet. I knew something was up when I wasn’t losing a thing & sticking to it religiously even though I had no real symptoms to make me think I was pregnant. At this stage I just given up on the thought, AF was due on the Monday & it’s religiously on time, normally a couple of days early. I hadn’t even said anything to himself but had a test leftover so decided to do it just for the heck of it on the Mon morning I was due really expecting nothing. I got a bit of a shock when it came up Positive 2-3 Weeeks! Hoo Haa the hormone must have been pretty strong to give that result as on all the others it was always 1-2 weeks on testing first. It’s really hard to describe how I felt, I think the word is detached, there was no excitement or butterflies, a feeling of dread if anything. I rang himself and his reaction was more or less the same “Oh that’s great, we’ll just have to wait & see I suppose” Not your typical reaction after waiting for nearly 2 years and nearly having to take out a mortgage to pay for ovulation sticks and pregnancy tests…..

After the Chemical Pregnancy in June I decided to give it at least the week before calling Dr B, it was the longest week of my life and of course my symptom spotting didn’t help as I had very little. I did feel very relaxed though, it was just so nice not to be stressing & thinking constantly about “not” gettting pregnant because I actually was, it was all a bit surreal, there was still no excitement though, it was banned. I went to Dr B the following Weds, again nobody got too excited, I got my bloods done and an appointment was made for an early scan the following Weds as I was off the wedding on the Saturday. Bloods came back on Thurs really well with a perfect HCG for my dates so I got them done again 48 hours later just to give me piece of mind, hmmmm that didn’t work out as expected. The HCG was 4000 & something on the Weds so it needed to double by the Fri, DR B rang me the Fri evening with a preliminary result as they wouldn’t have the full result until Mon but she didn’t want to leave me wondering for the weekend, well she bloody well should have because the result came back as 5000 +. Nobody knew what the + was but we assumed between us it wasn’t over the 5, well feck it anyway it was happening again.

I spent the whole day in bed on Sat waiting for the inevitable, I shed a few tears but this was the 4th time so I was becoming a bit of a pro at it at this stage. I googled HCG levels for hours looking for any hope but I knew there was none so I accepted my fate, I just wasn’t going to have a second child, there was something wrong with me, I was broken and had to be fixed. The thing is I did another test and got a 3-4 weeks result so the hormone was still pretty high and this was only a week later so it was rising well, oh the confusion. I got through the weekend waiting for the scan on Weds to confirm my fate when I got a phonecall on Tues at 4pm from Dr B. The actual results had come back & they had doubled exactly, when they said 5000 + they had actually meant 8000, helloooooo??  the feckers I could have killed them. Again no excitement(still banned) but a huge sense of relief that another hurdle had passed. Hey I had been through this the last time, got the heartbeat & everything and then it just all finished at 10 weeks and I was still only 6 weeks. I had the scan on Weds but all she could see was a sac but no pole, Ah come on give a twice miscarrying lady a break, I was going to the wedding on Sat for a week & needed to know one way or another because if there was a chance I would miscarry there was no way I was getting on a plane. She scheduled me in for another scan on the Fri and I could make my mind up then, my poor sis, nobody knew what was going on and I knew she would have been heartbroken if I didn’t go as I was bridesmaid. It’s amazing the difference 2 days can make, I had convinced myself after much googling again that it was a blighted ovum seen as it was an empty sack but lo & behold there was the foetal pole and she was convinced she could make out a tiny embryo but wasn’t 100% sure. It was enough for me, my dates were measuring perfectly & at least we had something so the wedding was back on but there was still no excitement(still banned) Dr B had put me on progesterone & baby asprin from 5 weeks so I stocked up on these and off I went to Portugal…

The wedding was fantastic and I ended up having to tell my parents and my sisters straight away as they would have guessed by the absence of vino in my glass, I didn’t have any sickness but my appetite had gone to pot and I was completely gone off fish and meat which is a bit of a nuisance when you’re in a town surrounded by fish. They were all so thrilled but weren’t allowed get excited, yes even they were banned. I had a bit of an issue hiding my belly for the week from everyone else as the progesterone causes serious bloating and I looked pregnant already and I really didn’t want anyone to know. Luckily the dresses were loose fitting so that wasn’t an issue and we had a fabulous time as much as one can have with no drink & a permanent worry of miscarrying at any moment….

I took really good care of myself in the first few weeks cutting back completely at work and resting, I was going to give this one my best shot. I had my first scan at 11 weeks with my obs and boy was he glad to see me. The receptionist even told me he gave a little woop woop when he saw my name on the list which he never does supposedly but he was probably just as worried that something had gone wrong since the birth of herself & probably had a little sigh of relief. Everybody was a little surprised I had gone back to him after the last time but it really was a case of “better the devil you know” he has been through the whole lot with me including the 2 D&C’s last year so has a personal connection to it and I would hope would take more of an interest in me than somebody new and so far he has. He was genuinely delighted for us and said himself he had expected to have seen us a bit sooner and was a little worried. He was a little worried??? Hey boyfriend try being the 2 time miscarrying google obsessive for the previous year. The scan went great and I was told to finish my progesterone the following week as I would be 12 weeks then…..

I reached the 12 week milestone, I was over the worst part but when you google you realise there are many more, 15 weeks, 20 weeks, 24 weeks so excitement was still banned it was still a case of survival……

to be contin….

but this is what I look like today:)

L x

I’m still here!

I probably should go back a bit seen as I haven’t posted since March but there really was nothing to write about as I just plodded along going through the same motions every month….

- getting smiley face on ovulation stick

- dtd around that time as much as pos(himself was delighted)

- going through the 2 week wait with a million pregnancy symptoms every month(think it’s a progesterone thing) but knowing I wasn’t…

- AF arriving early everytime to put me out of my misery…

- spending the week of AF depressed and worried as they were so light and stressing that implantation couldn’t happen as a result. Dr B had decided it was time for me to go back on the pill for 3 months to see if we could improve the lining so I was all ready to rock and roll…

And then in June AF hadn’t arrived the day it was due and off I went to the chemist, I knew before I even did the test that it was going to be positive. I still couldn’t believe it, the relief of seeing “pregnant 1-2 weeks” after exactly a year of trying was imense but a bit sureal. Himself was working in the shop so I went straight down and told him in the jeep, this tends to be where I always tell him, not the most romantic of places but hey that’s the joys of being self-employed. I popped over to Dr B and told her, there was hugs and tears all round and I was booked in to see her the following week but I didn’t even make it to then. I took the test on Fri and woke up Thurs morning to blood, I did a test straight away and “not preganant” came up. I was so confused but a bit relieved too as it meant I had experienced a chemical pregnancy and wouldn’t need another D&C. AF came on better than it had been all year so I felt positive again, my body had tried to get pregnant, I had seen the words, had a great AF & after lots of googling chances were I’d be pregnant on the next cycle…

I went hell for leather that month feeling upbeat and positive, this is going to be my month, it’s going to happen and of course it didn’t. When AF arrived I was beaten, I hit a brick wall, I’ve actually never felt so down. Friends came home who were expecting their baby in Sept and on the outside I was all smiles but I was breaking inside. I couldn’t take this anymore, I needed some control over the situation, I met with Dr B and she suggested I give it until Christmas, I nodded away in agreement but in my head I was giving it until Sept after my sister’s wedding in Portugal. There was something wrong with me and I had to find out what, she agreed maybe there was a problem with the lining of the womb and this was why implantation wasn’t happening,  we decided I shouldn’t bother going back on the pill seen as I had a chemical pregnancy which showed that something was happening in there and we give it another couple of months.

I was so down that week that we decided to take a few days off & head to Bath which is such a beautiful city with our pregnant friends who were home, I was actually fine once I was away and actually enjoyed the excitment of first time parents-to-be talking about the baby kicking & their plans for the future. The few days away did me the world of good and I came home feeling a lot more positive and energised.

Bring on September and taking control back….

to be continued….

L x

I’m still here…

I’m still a mom of one…

I’m still not pregnant….

I want 1 now more than ever….

I wasn’t going to come back to this blog until I could shout “Yahoo I’m pregnant”, well that hasn’t happened so here I am. I’m losing patience, I was actually ok after the 2 miscarriages as I knew I could get pregnant, everything happens for a reason, maybe the 3rd time I would be lucky bla bla bla, well that novelty has worn off and my whole existence at the moment centres around being pregnant, I’m actually aching for it at this stage, it’s the first thing I think about when I wake up, it’s all I think about throughout the day, I’m constantly watching other families, counting how many children they have, if they have only 1 over age 3/4 wondering are they in the same situation as me & others with fertility issues, I read fertility forums every night so it’s the last thing I think about before I sleep, yep I have become obsessed…..

I think the driving force is the princess, she is also obsessed, I don’t know if it’s radiating from me or what but it’s all she talks about! She asks me everyday have “they built her sister yet? why is it taking so long, is it in my belly yet”, she even proclaimed in a very excited voice last week…

“the baby is in your belly mammy, look there’s it’s two feet where your boobs are….”

WTF??? My heart broke for her yesterday when I picked her up from creche and her little sad face telling me about all her friends being picked up by their mammies and baby sisters, she doesn’t give a damn about brothers by the way, they don’t actually exist. She was genuinely sad that she has none, it has got to the stage where she has 5 baby dolls, 4 are her sisters and 1 brother who actually rarely leaves the cot god love him, the 4 sisters go everywhere, they have breakfast with her in the morning, they watch cartoons with her, she has doll bunk beds beside her bed where she tucks them in every night, we talk to them(I’m dragged in reluctantly doing baby voices) there really is a void in our family that needs to be filled….

It’s funny because initally I thought I would be ok if I only ended up with one, at least I had been blessed with one child etc but I never allowed for her growing up and needing a sibling. It’s only in the last few months this has started and it just feels like our family is missing something and won’t be complete until we get it. I hate the fact that my life has been put on hold since Jan 2010 & I know it’s only over a year and at least I got pregnant twice(I tell myself all of this) but I actually can’t get on with life until I complete my family. I have loads going on with the business and we’ve had an absolutely fantastic year and have so many exciting things coming up this year too but I just can’t get excited! All I want is a frickin BABY!!!!

The problem is it’s not going to happen for another while though because after I did my bloods with my fabulous German Dr, I found out I have Hashimoto Thyroiditis. I won’t bore you with the details but it’s basically a thyroid disease which probably caused the miscarriages and affected my quality of life since I had the princess but never realised I had it. I’m on 2 different meds now to get it under control as my antibodies were very high and my TSH was 5.2, the good news is on my last visit the antibodies had halved and the TSH was 3.5. I’ve since read that the ideal TSH to get pregnant without m/c or complications is between 1 and 2 and they advise not to get pregnant until you are within these levels – bah frickin humbug, doesn’t mean I’ve stopped trying though. I have an appointment with my Dr in April so I’m hoping my levels will be down by then, they’d want to be with all the meds & vitamins I’m taking and I have a “swallowing tablets problem”! YES I know there is nothing to it and YES I know you just put it on your tongue and drink water and it slides down, well it doesn’t with me because my crazy mind makes it stay on my tongue and lets me drink a pint of water and the little white bugger is still there. So I bought myself a pill cutter in the chemist, yes she giggled too, anyone who knows me tends to, I’m an all-getter, nothing stops me, ambitious, would climb Mt Everest if I had to type of person so being afraid of a little white tablet doesn’t quite fit but hey I love needles, spiders & rats so we all have our little phobias so stop judging!*insert smiley face here* So each tablet has to be cut into 4 so it’s like I’m taking 20 tablets a day, it’s a bit of an ordeal but it better be worth it! But whatever about the tablets I’m also taking Agnus Cactus – GOOD GOD, ITS DISGUSTING!! My old AF hasn’t been right since the 2 D&C’s and is way too light, at this stage I’ve diagnosed myself with Ashermans Syndrome, Pre-Menopause, Hormonal Imbalance, you name it I think I have it – DAMN YOU GOOGLE! Everynight himself asks me “so what do you have today??”

So this is where I am, an obsessing maybe pre-menopausal, ovulation stick buying, bump envying, pill breaking, guilt ridden, symptom spotting wannabe second time mom….

I’ll get there if it kills me or I choke to death on a pill:)

L xx

size 0 – nope

big fake boobs – nope

gorgeous famous footballer husband – nope just to famous and footballer (himself was voted sexiest man in Limerick ya know)

3 kids – nope(I wish)

money – nope

PCOS – YEP!!!

Did I know? – nope!!

I hadn’t a clue, never suspected a thing. I’ve been suffering terribly with pms since my last miscarriage, I’ve always suffered but have been on the pill for years so I suppose that helped it a bit, initially I put it down to the hormones being all over the place after 2 miscarriages in 1 year but every month I feel like I must be pregnant as the symptoms are so bad for 2 weeks before AF arrived even though I knew I wasn’t. The gynae who gave me the bad news on my last m/c had told me to come back to her for a chat when I was ready to try again so this was the month. I made an appt with her on Weds not really expecting anything but it would be nice to get her opinion as she was the only person who had taken an interest in me having 2 m/c’s and said why wait for a 3rd whereas everyone else was of the opinion that there was probably nothing wrong and we would be 3rd time lucky…

To be honest I wasn’t happy with this and didn’t really want to see if we would be without doing some bit of investigation so I decided to hear what she had to say. I’m still on that diet I talked about before and have lost a stone in total now and feel much better, I sat down with her told her about the diet, my pms, my bloating, the m/c’s, my history etc for about 5-10 mins, she nodded away “listening to me” which makes a nice change, mumbled progesterone a couple of times under her breath and then finished with “it definitely sounds like progesterone, I think we need to do a scan”! Great I thought because this is what I had been wondering myself…

She did an internal scan and straight away she saw it, the little circles clustered around the ovaries on both sides and she informed me I had mild to moderate PCOS! I was a little shocked to say the least as I had no idea, she told me I had a “beautiful womb”, I replied “why thank you, I haven’t been told that before”, we had a giggle and she basically told me I’m very fertile and I’m ovulating, she showed me the ovulation follicles on the scan which was such a relief as PCOS can cause serious ovulation issues so at least there was some good news. She took my bloods and did some internal swabs to test me for everything basically, to confirm the PCOS, to test for diabetes, to check for insulin resistance, metabolic rate, thyroid function, hormone levels etc and I will get the results back in a week…

She is also prescribing progesterone supplements for me as she feels this is why I miscarried and I have to start taking them right after ovulation. She went on to say that I basically saved my fertility by being on the pill for so long as your fertility reduces drastically with age and PCOS, I think you are supposed to have babies as soon as possible in your twenties so thank god I never came off the pill until I was 30 and I went straight back on it after the princess. She also said we have saved 3 months by me being on this low carb/low GI diet and losing a stone as your fertility increases dramatically with body mass loss, this lady knows her stuff! I’m at a perfect weight according to her but she said it’s ok to lose 2 more kilos but not to lose too much. She talked about putting me on metformin which is a diabetes drug which controls insulin resistance but I have to wait for the results first….

So how do I feel about all of this?? Really good actually, the same day I found out this my neighbour had her beautiful  baby girl, she is gorgeous and Oh my god I felt so broody after holding her! I didn’t feel any jealousy or sadness as we were pregnant together just this unbelievable feeling that I am going to get my own and do everything I can to get there!  If I hadn’t gone to this gynae I could have got pregnant in the next few months and miscarried again. This might still happen but at least I feel like I have some bit of control and am taking steps to reduce the possibility, this lady is fabulous and I really feel she’s taken me under her wing and is going to help me get my” baby that’s being built and coming next year” according to the princess….

L xx

p.s any other pcos sufferers out there??

So how am I???

Believe it or not I’m perfectly fine, I know people doubt me when I tell them this but I truly am. The 3 of us headed off to Cefalu in Sicily for a week and had a really lovely time. It was nice to be not pregnant, worrying, stressing, panicking at every twinge, not checking every time I went to the toilet, eating shellfish, drinking wine, I relaxed for the first time in 6 months! We spent a week with my sister and her family in Canterbury on the way back and I ate and drank way too much but had a fabulous time so it was worth it.

It’s taken me a while to post as I’ve put the miscarriages to the back of my mind to be honest, I’m not going to dwell on them, there is no point, there is nothing I can do, it’s beyond my control and as I’ve said before I just think and hope my 2nd little one is just having a harder time getting here. I’m not going to think of the miscarriages as lost babies but the same baby each time and we will eventually get to meet him or her.  My friend is pregnant at the moment and we were really looking forward to being pregnant together, I’m a bit sad we’re not as it is really great to have somebody to share it with especially when the baby is born. I don’t feel in any way jealous of her pregnancy and am completely fine talking about it with her, whereas the last time I felt jealous of every pregnant person I saw and was really shocked by my reaction when I met someone I knew who was due in Sept(my first pregnancy due date), it felt like a kick in the stomach. I think I’m dealing with it ok because I gave it the second shot and it didn’t work but at least I tried.

I’m taking a break for a while, I got my bloods checked on day 21 last month but it ended up being day 25 so my progesterone was low anyway so I’m getting them checked again this month! To be honest if the progesterone is low again I’ll probably be happy because it means there is a reason and I’ll have to take supplements next time but my DR  doesn’t think this will be the case so we’ll just have to wait and see. I’m giving my body a break and trying to get it back on track, with being pregnant twice this year I had put on a bit of weight, I’ve also being suffering with bloating etc so I’ve gone on a lower-carb diet so that’s my focus for the moment. I’ve cut out all bread, pasta, rice, cereal and milk, I’ve been doing it for 2 weeks and I feel like a new person, I feel so much better. I’ve also lost 7lbs which is great but it’s not even about the weight for me, it’s just to feel normal. I seem to have a wheat intolerance and don’t react too well to milk either so it’s been a bit life changing for me so I’m going to make this a lifestyle change and continue to eat this way. Obviously the non tea drinking Italian is none too happy being Italian and all and I do miss the odd bowl of pasta but there is no way I’m going back.

I want to get “me” right before I start trying again so for now that’s my focus, the princess declared to my friend tonight when discussing the baby in her belly that

“my mammy is going to grow one in her belly next year”

I hope she’s right:)

Lxx

You can read about my first d&c here…..

So I got to Monday with very light spotting and went straight into the Maternity admissions, the midwife at the desk remembered me from the last time and was very sympathetic. I was sent straight down for a scan, for some reason I felt quite calm, I think I like to be in control of the situation and by being in the hospital I was. I knew the news was bad so I was completely prepared, she did an external scan and everything was the same as the previous scan, she got a 2nd opinion and she agreed so it was official, I had suffered my 2nd missed miscarriage.  On return to admissions the midwife gave Dr M a ring to see what to do, I had spoken to his secretary the Friday before and she said I could have a d&c on the Weds if  nothing had progressed. The midwife came off the phone a little surprised at Dr M’s reaction, he was genuinely disappointed for me, she said they don’t normally show any personal feelings in relation to patients but that he was really sorry it had happened to me again. I explained my 2 week stay on the princess and told her she should probably put my photo on the back wall as I come with issues…..

I was booked in for a d&c on the Wednesday, told to come in if I started naturally before then and was in too much pain and was sent on my merry way. I prayed I wouldn’t start naturally as I had prepared myself for the d&c and really just wanted to get it over and done with even though I hated the thought of going under the GA again. To make matters worse the princess had a meltdown when I put her to bed on the Tuesday night, she got really upset, telling me she loved me and missed me and didn’t want me to go downstairs. Ah Jesus did she know something I didn’t?? Was I not coming back?? She had me in a blubbering mess when I came downstairs to Bruno, he didn’t know what was going on. Kids are so instinctive and she obviously picked up that something was wrong and felt insecure as a result, I can say that now but at the time I was wondering had she some telepathic powers and I wasn’t going to come home from the hospital. Oh the mind plays terrible tricks, they dropped me to the hospital the next morning and again she clung to me balling her eyes out saying she didn’t want me to go, maybe a natural miscarriage wouldn’t be so bad an option after all…..

I arrived into admissions expecting the same dragged out saga as the last time but was brought straight into the private room to get my bloods and paperwork done. Everyone was so sympathetic this time as it was my second one so close to each other,most of them remembered me from the last time. I think they were rather worried about my happy demeanour and positivity. The one thing that I noticed is that everyone puts their hand on your arm or shoulder and says “I’m sorry for your loss”, they must be told this when training, it was funny because I got to the stage every time I met a new midwife or doctor I  put out my shoulder to them, the ones that didn’t do it must have thought I was a looney and wondered what was wrong with my shoulder? I actually felt fine (in control again), I knew all going well I would be home in a few hours and start to get back to normal. I couldn’t believe how fast I was put through, I arrived at 9 and was up in the “ward for d&c’ers” for 10! I was put in the same bed as the last time, I thanked them for keeping it for me and how  nice it was to see the damp unpainted wall was still there since February – cutbacks!!

I was given the tablet to open the cervix and left to wait 4 hours until 3pm. Dr M popped in to see me and I thanked him for keeping my bed for me, he was very sympathetic and said he’d get me through the d&c first and talk to me after about going forward. There were exams on so the hospital was a bit busy but he didn’t think it would be much later than 3, good lord it better not! Everything was the same as the last time except at about 2.45 I started to bleed a bit and started to have a bit of pain, phew just in time, thank god I was going in at 3, wasn’t I?? 3.15 came, 3.30 came, ok where the hell was he?  The midwife came to check me and asked me to rate the pain, it was about a 4, I probably should have said 9.5 but she rang over to theatre anyway and they were ready to welcome me….

This time I was wheeled over in my bed because I had started to bleed and for some strange reason I wasn’t half as nervous as the last time, I still wished I wasn’t there but I knew what to expect so I was quite calm. The theatre nurse met me and we started chatting, I told her about our award and we had a little chat about Italian food, it was the same anesthetist as the last time, I’d recognise that limp handshake anywhere. I was hooked up, drugged up, my eyes didn’t fight back this time and I drifted off. I woke up more or less the same as last time, how history repeats itself…

me waking up – I wash having lovely dreams…

theatre nurse – oh what were you dreaming about?

 me – canch’t remember but the lasht time I wash dreaming about Paul O’Connell and I woke up chelling the cheatre nurse! We feedch Paul O’Connell…

So yes I managed to tell this theatre nurse that I feed Paul O’Connell too, ah morto again! It’s becoming a bit of a problem! To be honest something happens when I wake up from the GA, I can’t stop talking! It’s like I’m so happy to be alive that I’m delirious with excitement and I end up telling the theatre nurse my whole life story, by the time she wheeled me back to the ward she knew about the shop, my birth on the princess, the award and the whole award ceremony in detail. We were friends for life…

It took a bit longer to perk up this time round, I was fairly weak and couldn’t really lift myself up, whereas last time I was sitting up straight away. Probably 2 GA’s in a couple of months will do that to you.  Dr M popped in for another chat and is convinced it was just bad luck and wants to check my bloods on day 21 after my first cycle and see where we’ll go from there…

 The non tea drinking Italian arrived in to pick me up, I had my tea and toast, went to the toilet to make sure my bladder still worked(very important you know) and off we went not pregnant again, 6 months of being pregnant with nothing to show for it but maybe 3rd time lucky…

p.s how to manage your miscarriage is a very difficult decision for any woman and although the d&c is my preference, here is an excellent account of a natural miscarriage …..

The following few days went by in a haze of congratulations and madness after the award! We had a photographer in the Friday taking pics for a big article a local paper were doing on us the following week and all I could worry about was trying to hide my protruding belly in the photos. Niggling away in the back of my head was the lack of tiredness and symptoms but I had no bleeding or anything and I was too busy lapping up the praise to really think about it. The shop was too busy to even worry so I just got on with it until Weds evening when it all changed..

I went to pick up the princess from her grandmother’s and went to the toilet and there it was, it was so minute but it was still there, the tiniest spot of pink. Christ my heart sank but I had a little chat with myself and informed myself it was probably nothing and put on a brave face and headed home. I must have went to the bathroom a million times that evening to check but there was nothing else so maybe all was ok but I knew it wasn’t, I knew it was over. The next morning when I got up it was there again, a little heavier but still very little but I had to get on with it, there was no chance I would get to the gp or hospital as the article was in the paper and we had our busiest lunch ever, there was no time to dwell on it. It was still on my mind all day and I kept thinking how ironic it was, everyone was congratulating us on our award and saying how fantastic we must feel and I was losing my baby. I knew I wasn’t going to make it to the hospital on Friday either so I had to take matters into my own hands. I should add the spotting was still very light at this stage BUT I knew, I rang my sister a little teary and told her I had a bad feeling, she didn’t even try to convince me other wise as we’re both very intuitive which is a curse a lot of the time and we normally end up being right so she provided a comforting ear.

There is a specialist in gynaecology behind the shop, she is also a customer so I went straight over to see if she could fit me in as I knew she had an ultrasound, I got a bit upset at the desk as she was very busy but I really needed to find out so the receptionist said she would do her best and ring me in an hour which she did and I went straight down. She decided to do an internal scan as she would see better and there it was, I could tell straight away it was all wrong as I could see it hadn’t grown since the last scan and there was silence in the room as she tried to pick up a heartbeat.

 She had an assistant nurse with her, and each had a hand on my both arms so I knew it was coming, it had stopped growing at 8w4d. They were so sympathetic and nice, I couldn’t wait to get out of there, the nicer someone is to me the worse I get, it makes me a blubbering mess so the blubbering started. I should probably point out at this stage I’m a really “sad crier”, I’m a really strong person but when I cry I look really sad(I’ve been told) so I make other people cry or they feel so sorry for me so of course they were feeling sooo sorry for me which was making me cry more, they moved me out to take my bloods and they both still had a hand on each of my arms so I was trapped and this made me cry more. I was actually feeling fine but they were giving me so much sympathy, I couldn’t get out. They wanted to get Bru because they thought I was too upset to walk across the road but I kept telling them I was fine but they kept saying you need Bruno and time to talk and to respect myself. I wanted to tell her I give myself all the respect I need and not to worry, the song “respect yourself” popped into my head, the strangest things always do in these situations. I had to get out of there because I  knew once I escaped I’d be fine…

They eventually let me go and I met Bru outside, we had a big hug and a chat in the jeep as you do when he has to go back in and cook for Limerick. I headed home and rang the necessary people, had a good old cry and went to collect the princess feeling a bit relieved in one way as at least I knew now, the relief was short-lived though when I spent the night googling about natural miscarriage and what to expect. I was terrified as I was far enough along and knew I wasn’t going to get to the hospital until Monday so although I wanted to go natural I was a bit too afraid of the potential pain and I really didn’t want to see anything, I know some people like to see” their baby” but that’s not for me! I know this might sound cold but I don’t consider it a baby at that early stage, after 2 m/c I prefer to think of it as a “potential baby” that might or might not happen and I don’t think of them as individual babies either, I prefer to think it’s the same baby trying to get here but it’s just taking a few attempts and it will get here eventually…

I had to work on Friday which was pretty tough as I had read while googling of course that some women have a m/c there and then in the supermarket etc so that was not an option in the shop while everyone was having their lunch! Once again I spent the day thanking people for their congratulations and talking about the award and going to the toilet every 10 mins to see if anything had progressed. The weather was beautiful that weekend which made things easier so I just relaxed out the back with the princess worrying about whether I was going to have a natural miscarriage or not.

 Monday couldn’t come fast enough….

You might have heard we won Best Casual Dining in Ireland recently which involved us attending a rather glamorous affair at the Burlington a week to the day after my happy scan! It was a star-studded black tie evening with Brendan O’Connor being the MC for the night. I saw lots of famous faces like Gay Byrne, Anne Doyle, Rosanna Davidson, Gerald and Lisa Keane to name a few. Obviously my biggest problem was “what the hell to wear” to hide my ever-expanding bosoms and belly, by 8pm at night I look 6 months pregnant so I knew it was going to have to be good whatever dress I bought. I headed straight into BT’s after my scan on the dress hunt and couldn’t find a thing, I know a lot of the girls in there so I didn’t want to have to tell them I was pregnant but had to in the end because I looked fat in everything and nothing suited. One of the girls found me a fabulous dress which hid everything to an extent, I don’t know what it is but I expand at all levels when pregnant, front, back, esp back, the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie” comes to mind every time cos I get serious booty when pregnant…

 There was nothing for it except spandex but of course when pregnant you can’t wear it so I then had to tell the lady in the underwear department too, at this stage the whole of Limerick was going to know. I ended up getting a pair of those flesh coloured bicycling shorts is the only way to describe them, I have never owned a pair of anything resembling these so the non tea drinking Italian nearly fell over laughing when I showed him. I explained to him that they all do it, quoting Tess Daly, the BT girl had told me she wore them throughout the first 12 weeks, so if Tess can wear them and all that!  He still thought they were the most hideous things he had ever seen and although I agree, THEY FRICKIN ROCK! Now I only bought the lighter version due to the little cannellini bean so I can only imagine what the real deal do and I am so buying a pair in every colour, they hide a multitude, where have I been the last few years, obviously not in the BT’s underwear dept enough…

I was really looking forward to the awards and really didn’t expect to win anything, we stopped off at Ikea on the way up to buy stuff for the shop and I noticed on the way to the hotel after walking around Ikea for 3 hours I wasn’t that tired, I put it down to the excitement of going to the awards and didn’t think about it too much. The night was fantastic and we won best Casual Dining in Munster first and then Best Casual Dining in Ireland but christ is it hard when you’re pregnant at these things. Firstly I didn’t take off my white cardigan for the whole night as my stomach was soooo swollen by the time they announced the awards, around 12am. Now at this stage I had probably drank 10 litres of water, I’d say everyone at the table thought I was a boring old so and so as I spent the night topping up my water glass and updating my twitter and facebook page as there’s not much else to do when everyone around you is getting drunk on free wine. When we won we were so shocked and had to go up for our award and photo, the cardigan stayed on and I tried to suck it all in which wasn’t easy with a 5 course meal and 10lt water and a cannellini bean all stuffed into my spandex cycling shorts but I managed somehow!

Everyone around me spent the night celebrating on prosecco and champagne while I nursed the same glass of prosecco until 4.30 in the morning, nobody noticed as they were all so drunk at that stage! We had breakfast across from Nevin McGuire the next morning as you do and set off home, I was sick as a dog the whole way home and thought I would have to stop along the way but managed to get home and into bed and slept for 2 hours. YAY the nausea had begun, I was delighted, the more sickness the more chance of the pregnancy lasting…

little did I know my little cannellini bean had stopped living 2 days previous…