I got there….

in the end……

It’s funny I always thought that once I got pregnant that I would be constantly writing about it but it hasn’t happened like that. At first I was terrified to jinx it and then as time went on I just didn’t feel the need. It seems I only write when I want to moan:) anyway to pick up where I left off I returned from Bath still a bit down & depressed but had the wedding to look forward to so went hell for leather on the diet. I knew something was up when I wasn’t losing a thing & sticking to it religiously even though I had no real symptoms to make me think I was pregnant. At this stage I just given up on the thought, AF was due on the Monday & it’s religiously on time, normally a couple of days early. I hadn’t even said anything to himself but had a test leftover so decided to do it just for the heck of it on the Mon morning I was due really expecting nothing. I got a bit of a shock when it came up Positive 2-3 Weeeks! Hoo Haa the hormone must have been pretty strong to give that result as on all the others it was always 1-2 weeks on testing first. It’s really hard to describe how I felt, I think the word is detached, there was no excitement or butterflies, a feeling of dread if anything. I rang himself and his reaction was more or less the same “Oh that’s great, we’ll just have to wait & see I suppose” Not your typical reaction after waiting for nearly 2 years and nearly having to take out a mortgage to pay for ovulation sticks and pregnancy tests…..

After the Chemical Pregnancy in June I decided to give it at least the week before calling Dr B, it was the longest week of my life and of course my symptom spotting didn’t help as I had very little. I did feel very relaxed though, it was just so nice not to be stressing & thinking constantly about “not” gettting pregnant because I actually was, it was all a bit surreal, there was still no excitement though, it was banned. I went to Dr B the following Weds, again nobody got too excited, I got my bloods done and an appointment was made for an early scan the following Weds as I was off the wedding on the Saturday. Bloods came back on Thurs really well with a perfect HCG for my dates so I got them done again 48 hours later just to give me piece of mind, hmmmm that didn’t work out as expected. The HCG was 4000 & something on the Weds so it needed to double by the Fri, DR B rang me the Fri evening with a preliminary result as they wouldn’t have the full result until Mon but she didn’t want to leave me wondering for the weekend, well she bloody well should have because the result came back as 5000 +. Nobody knew what the + was but we assumed between us it wasn’t over the 5, well feck it anyway it was happening again.

I spent the whole day in bed on Sat waiting for the inevitable, I shed a few tears but this was the 4th time so I was becoming a bit of a pro at it at this stage. I googled HCG levels for hours looking for any hope but I knew there was none so I accepted my fate, I just wasn’t going to have a second child, there was something wrong with me, I was broken and had to be fixed. The thing is I did another test and got a 3-4 weeks result so the hormone was still pretty high and this was only a week later so it was rising well, oh the confusion. I got through the weekend waiting for the scan on Weds to confirm my fate when I got a phonecall on Tues at 4pm from Dr B. The actual results had come back & they had doubled exactly, when they said 5000 + they had actually meant 8000, helloooooo??  the feckers I could have killed them. Again no excitement(still banned) but a huge sense of relief that another hurdle had passed. Hey I had been through this the last time, got the heartbeat & everything and then it just all finished at 10 weeks and I was still only 6 weeks. I had the scan on Weds but all she could see was a sac but no pole, Ah come on give a twice miscarrying lady a break, I was going to the wedding on Sat for a week & needed to know one way or another because if there was a chance I would miscarry there was no way I was getting on a plane. She scheduled me in for another scan on the Fri and I could make my mind up then, my poor sis, nobody knew what was going on and I knew she would have been heartbroken if I didn’t go as I was bridesmaid. It’s amazing the difference 2 days can make, I had convinced myself after much googling again that it was a blighted ovum seen as it was an empty sack but lo & behold there was the foetal pole and she was convinced she could make out a tiny embryo but wasn’t 100% sure. It was enough for me, my dates were measuring perfectly & at least we had something so the wedding was back on but there was still no excitement(still banned) Dr B had put me on progesterone & baby asprin from 5 weeks so I stocked up on these and off I went to Portugal…

The wedding was fantastic and I ended up having to tell my parents and my sisters straight away as they would have guessed by the absence of vino in my glass, I didn’t have any sickness but my appetite had gone to pot and I was completely gone off fish and meat which is a bit of a nuisance when you’re in a town surrounded by fish. They were all so thrilled but weren’t allowed get excited, yes even they were banned. I had a bit of an issue hiding my belly for the week from everyone else as the progesterone causes serious bloating and I looked pregnant already and I really didn’t want anyone to know. Luckily the dresses were loose fitting so that wasn’t an issue and we had a fabulous time as much as one can have with no drink & a permanent worry of miscarrying at any moment….

I took really good care of myself in the first few weeks cutting back completely at work and resting, I was going to give this one my best shot. I had my first scan at 11 weeks with my obs and boy was he glad to see me. The receptionist even told me he gave a little woop woop when he saw my name on the list which he never does supposedly but he was probably just as worried that something had gone wrong since the birth of herself & probably had a little sigh of relief. Everybody was a little surprised I had gone back to him after the last time but it really was a case of “better the devil you know” he has been through the whole lot with me including the 2 D&C’s last year so has a personal connection to it and I would hope would take more of an interest in me than somebody new and so far he has. He was genuinely delighted for us and said himself he had expected to have seen us a bit sooner and was a little worried. He was a little worried??? Hey boyfriend try being the 2 time miscarrying google obsessive for the previous year. The scan went great and I was told to finish my progesterone the following week as I would be 12 weeks then…..

I reached the 12 week milestone, I was over the worst part but when you google you realise there are many more, 15 weeks, 20 weeks, 24 weeks so excitement was still banned it was still a case of survival……

to be contin….

but this is what I look like today:)

L x

catch up…..

I’m still here!

I probably should go back a bit seen as I haven’t posted since March but there really was nothing to write about as I just plodded along going through the same motions every month….

- getting smiley face on ovulation stick

- dtd around that time as much as pos(himself was delighted)

- going through the 2 week wait with a million pregnancy symptoms every month(think it’s a progesterone thing) but knowing I wasn’t…

- AF arriving early everytime to put me out of my misery…

- spending the week of AF depressed and worried as they were so light and stressing that implantation couldn’t happen as a result. Dr B had decided it was time for me to go back on the pill for 3 months to see if we could improve the lining so I was all ready to rock and roll…

And then in June AF hadn’t arrived the day it was due and off I went to the chemist, I knew before I even did the test that it was going to be positive. I still couldn’t believe it, the relief of seeing “pregnant 1-2 weeks” after exactly a year of trying was imense but a bit sureal. Himself was working in the shop so I went straight down and told him in the jeep, this tends to be where I always tell him, not the most romantic of places but hey that’s the joys of being self-employed. I popped over to Dr B and told her, there was hugs and tears all round and I was booked in to see her the following week but I didn’t even make it to then. I took the test on Fri and woke up Thurs morning to blood, I did a test straight away and “not preganant” came up. I was so confused but a bit relieved too as it meant I had experienced a chemical pregnancy and wouldn’t need another D&C. AF came on better than it had been all year so I felt positive again, my body had tried to get pregnant, I had seen the words, had a great AF & after lots of googling chances were I’d be pregnant on the next cycle…

I went hell for leather that month feeling upbeat and positive, this is going to be my month, it’s going to happen and of course it didn’t. When AF arrived I was beaten, I hit a brick wall, I’ve actually never felt so down. Friends came home who were expecting their baby in Sept and on the outside I was all smiles but I was breaking inside. I couldn’t take this anymore, I needed some control over the situation, I met with Dr B and she suggested I give it until Christmas, I nodded away in agreement but in my head I was giving it until Sept after my sister’s wedding in Portugal. There was something wrong with me and I had to find out what, she agreed maybe there was a problem with the lining of the womb and this was why implantation wasn’t happening,  we decided I shouldn’t bother going back on the pill seen as I had a chemical pregnancy which showed that something was happening in there and we give it another couple of months.

I was so down that week that we decided to take a few days off & head to Bath which is such a beautiful city with our pregnant friends who were home, I was actually fine once I was away and actually enjoyed the excitment of first time parents-to-be talking about the baby kicking & their plans for the future. The few days away did me the world of good and I came home feeling a lot more positive and energised.

Bring on September and taking control back….

to be continued….

L x

I wants 1!!

I’m still here…

I’m still a mom of one…

I’m still not pregnant….

I want 1 now more than ever….

I wasn’t going to come back to this blog until I could shout “Yahoo I’m pregnant”, well that hasn’t happened so here I am. I’m losing patience, I was actually ok after the 2 miscarriages as I knew I could get pregnant, everything happens for a reason, maybe the 3rd time I would be lucky bla bla bla, well that novelty has worn off and my whole existence at the moment centres around being pregnant, I’m actually aching for it at this stage, it’s the first thing I think about when I wake up, it’s all I think about throughout the day, I’m constantly watching other families, counting how many children they have, if they have only 1 over age 3/4 wondering are they in the same situation as me & others with fertility issues, I read fertility forums every night so it’s the last thing I think about before I sleep, yep I have become obsessed…..

I think the driving force is the princess, she is also obsessed, I don’t know if it’s radiating from me or what but it’s all she talks about! She asks me everyday have “they built her sister yet? why is it taking so long, is it in my belly yet”, she even proclaimed in a very excited voice last week…

“the baby is in your belly mammy, look there’s it’s two feet where your boobs are….”

WTF??? My heart broke for her yesterday when I picked her up from creche and her little sad face telling me about all her friends being picked up by their mammies and baby sisters, she doesn’t give a damn about brothers by the way, they don’t actually exist. She was genuinely sad that she has none, it has got to the stage where she has 5 baby dolls, 4 are her sisters and 1 brother who actually rarely leaves the cot god love him, the 4 sisters go everywhere, they have breakfast with her in the morning, they watch cartoons with her, she has doll bunk beds beside her bed where she tucks them in every night, we talk to them(I’m dragged in reluctantly doing baby voices) there really is a void in our family that needs to be filled….

It’s funny because initally I thought I would be ok if I only ended up with one, at least I had been blessed with one child etc but I never allowed for her growing up and needing a sibling. It’s only in the last few months this has started and it just feels like our family is missing something and won’t be complete until we get it. I hate the fact that my life has been put on hold since Jan 2010 & I know it’s only over a year and at least I got pregnant twice(I tell myself all of this) but I actually can’t get on with life until I complete my family. I have loads going on with the business and we’ve had an absolutely fantastic year and have so many exciting things coming up this year too but I just can’t get excited! All I want is a frickin BABY!!!!

The problem is it’s not going to happen for another while though because after I did my bloods with my fabulous German Dr, I found out I have Hashimoto Thyroiditis. I won’t bore you with the details but it’s basically a thyroid disease which probably caused the miscarriages and affected my quality of life since I had the princess but never realised I had it. I’m on 2 different meds now to get it under control as my antibodies were very high and my TSH was 5.2, the good news is on my last visit the antibodies had halved and the TSH was 3.5. I’ve since read that the ideal TSH to get pregnant without m/c or complications is between 1 and 2 and they advise not to get pregnant until you are within these levels – bah frickin humbug, doesn’t mean I’ve stopped trying though. I have an appointment with my Dr in April so I’m hoping my levels will be down by then, they’d want to be with all the meds & vitamins I’m taking and I have a “swallowing tablets problem”! YES I know there is nothing to it and YES I know you just put it on your tongue and drink water and it slides down, well it doesn’t with me because my crazy mind makes it stay on my tongue and lets me drink a pint of water and the little white bugger is still there. So I bought myself a pill cutter in the chemist, yes she giggled too, anyone who knows me tends to, I’m an all-getter, nothing stops me, ambitious, would climb Mt Everest if I had to type of person so being afraid of a little white tablet doesn’t quite fit but hey I love needles, spiders & rats so we all have our little phobias so stop judging!*insert smiley face here* So each tablet has to be cut into 4 so it’s like I’m taking 20 tablets a day, it’s a bit of an ordeal but it better be worth it! But whatever about the tablets I’m also taking Agnus Cactus – GOOD GOD, ITS DISGUSTING!! My old AF hasn’t been right since the 2 D&C’s and is way too light, at this stage I’ve diagnosed myself with Ashermans Syndrome, Pre-Menopause, Hormonal Imbalance, you name it I think I have it – DAMN YOU GOOGLE! Everynight himself asks me “so what do you have today??”

So this is where I am, an obsessing maybe pre-menopausal, ovulation stick buying, bump envying, pill breaking, guilt ridden, symptom spotting wannabe second time mom….

I’ll get there if it kills me or I choke to death on a pill:)

L xx